 |
| Stella Damasus |
If there is a battle that has never been won, ended or understood, it is the battle of the sexes.
I
was sitting with a group of friends at Soul Lounge and one of my male
friends made a statement that got us laughing. He said: “Why do we have
to be in relationships when we know they never work? The ones that last
are with a lot of pain and struggle, mostly pretence.”
When he
said that, I realised that everybody nodded in agreement. That really
made me sad because love and relationships are supposed to be the
sweetest and greatest things we should enjoy. As the conversation
continued, I asked him why he said that, and the answer he gave was:
“Women are from Venus and men are from Mars; they are two totally
different species, so I don’t know how they are expected to co-exist
successfully.”
This became the most interesting topic of the
night. I know that this argument has been on for a very long time
without accurate answers and solutions.
A lot of authors,
therapists, doctors, experts, parents, teachers and even preachers have
tried to proffer solutions, but no one has been able to clearly sort
this out.
As we can see, relationships are the most difficult,
complicated and sometimes most discouraging thing ever, but at the same
time the most wonderful, sweetest, most fulfilling, most interesting,
most educative and most sought after union on earth.
I decided to
do some research on this topic and found some brilliant writers who have
explained a lot of things and how they think these things can be
resolved. That was how I discovered a particular woman called Barbara De
Angels who wrote What Women Want Men To Know and Secrets About Men
Every Woman Should Know.
As I read these books, I began to realise
and understand the major differences between men and women. From the
smallest things like the ability to successfully convey your needs to
your partner in a way that he will listen, understand and act on it
without a fight, to trying to motivate him to do something that would
make you happy without making it seem like you are selfish, demanding
and too clingy.
Men say women don’t know what they really want,
and I must admit that after a very tiring month of research, a lot of
women had a long list of things that made me realise that they want a
Clark Kent combined with Voltron, Dr. Phill and Pablo plus Richard
Branson.
Very few women said they wanted the men to know, value
them and accept them for who they are. So, the issue now is, how do we
make the men know this and still let them know they are in CHARGE?
It’s
difficult to get men to go where we want them to go emotionally, to
open up to the kind of intimacy (not just sex) we crave. So we need to
know how the mind of a man works before we can understand why they react
to certain things the way they do.
1. They can be very spontaneous
2.
They listen, but probably more from their heads and not emotions; as
the saying goes “men are logical and women are emotional”.
3. They want peace, space, calm and freedom
4. They want to feel like they are in charge, and are successful in all they do including their relationship
5. They don’t want hassles, stress and drama.
6.
They hate having emotional processes all the time and feel as though
they have to keep working on it all the time (darling we need to talk
because our relationship is having problems, let’s try and find a way to
fix it.)
7. They don’t like criticisms but love appreciation.
8. They hate nagging which a lot of women really know how to do.
9. They hate the fact that they have to constantly try to figure out what the woman wants.
There
are loads more that I would have loved to share with you but the truth
is so many people read these books and try to follow the author’s advice
and what the therapists have said.
Unfortunately textbook
analysis and answers hardly work for real life situations, especially
when every man is different from the other. We cannot think that what
works for Mr. A must work for Mr. X.
When women sit together and
complain about their husbands and boyfriends or partners, they all end
up saying men are this and that, men don’t know how to do this and that.
It’s
easy to join the train because you don’t want to feel like the odd one
out and you don’t want the other women to think that yours is perfect
for you while theirs is not, so you end up saying what everybody is
saying. Sincerely, what kind of man do you have as opposed to what kind
of man do you really want?
I shot a pilot of my TV show called
SISTAZ and one of my topics was ‘WHAT WOMEN REALLY WANT’ and in the
course of the conversation, my very good friend, ITA, said: “I want to
begin to look at relationships as a business venture”.
The studio
exploded with laughter; even the crew members were laughing so hard. By
the time she explained what she meant, it made a lot of sense.
She
explained that “When you go into a business, first of all you must
understand and study the business, its terrain, market values, import or
export implications, start-up capital and expected profits, your whole
business plan and many other things”.
Meaning that you will have
to study and understand the business like the back of your hand. If
there is a manual that comes with the machines you need, depending on
the kind of business, you must read the manual if you have to operate
it. We find that we read manuals for things that are valuable to us but
we are not so familiar with.
After all that, you must service your
business. This means finding the right location for the office or
store, getting the right kind of staff, furnishing it with the right
equipment, going all out to advertise your business, trying to upgrade a
data base and so on. All these have to be done in order for your
business to move forward, attract customers and most importantly make
profits because that is the main reason for investing in the business in
the first place.
Then finally you have to believe in the business
that you are into so that it motivates you to want to come up with
innovative ideas that will help the growth and development of the
business, which in turn will ensure constant turnover and profit. So, if
you believe that the business will profit you, then you will put in
your best effort to ensure the smooth running of this business that you
believe in and understand so much.
Now the exercise here is remove
all the places I have written YOUR BUSINESS and replace it with YOUR
RELATIONSHIP. Try and see if it all makes sense.
The truth is that
no book, therapist, doctor or even preacher can tell you how to handle a
man or a relationship, because people are different. You meet a guy who
is from a totally different background, whose beliefs and yours might
not be the same, who probably was raised with the ideology of men being
superior, and you were brought up exactly the opposite way. How do you
expect to live with him if you don’t understand where he is coming from
and why he is the way he is?
Get to know the one you are with, if
you believe in that relationship, then you have to try to make that
extra effort to find out who your partner truly is; his reaction to
certain things and so on. Know him like the back of your hand; the way
you know your best friend. I am sure by now, you understand that this
article is talking to the woman. The next one will be for the men. Let
us tell the men how they can understand us and live in peace. All my
male readers get ready for this. Don’t forget to send your comments
please, they really inspire me.
Quote: I truly believe I am a performer and not a member of the audience. Who are you?
No comments:
Post a Comment