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| Stella Damasus |
Here is the continuation of the first part "BATTLE OF THE SEXES" (If you missed the Part 1 CLICK HERE )
The Part 2 of "BATTLE OF SEXES" Seat back, take a cup of coffee and enjoy reading...
I was so glad when I got so many messages and feedback from the last
article Battle Of The Sexes. So, by popular demand, I am doing a
conclusion to that.
One of the first things we need to know is
that men are not the way they are because they just want to drive women
crazy. They have been trained from childhood to behave in a certain way.
This makes it difficult for them to be as intimate as you want them to
be.
Parents of newborn male babies tend to describe their sons as firmer, larger more alert and stronger, etc.
Parents of new born female babies describe their daughters as adorable, softer, smaller, prettier and more delicate.
They tend to place more demands on little boys , expecting them to be more responsible and take more risks.
Boys are pushed to be independent earlier and faster.
Parents
offer less comfort to boys than girls when the child is frightened or
injured, and they give boys greater freedom at an earlier age.
Boys
are encouraged to control their emotions and are told that it is not
manly to feel strong emotions. Not only are those emotions considered
“weak” such as fear or sadness, but even passion and intense love.
Boys
are taught that only a narrow range of emotions can be expressed to
show their masculine strength and authority; like being competitive,
aggressive, angry, defensive, and feelings associated with being in
control. As they grow older, sexual feelings are added to the list.
Weakness,
fear, vulnerability, tenderness, compassion and sensuality are allowed
for only girls and women; so that a boy who exhibits such traits is
likely to be made fun of and called a “whimp”.
We are in constant
battle between the way men have been taught and the way women want or
ask them to be; for example, men are taught to be defensive and
suspicious, hide their emotions, be strong and unconquerable, stay in
control but women want them to be trusting and open, show their
emotions, express their vulnerability, master the inner world and
express intense romance.
So you see that most of the major
problems are as a result of women telling men that the characteristics
they have worked hard to cultivate all their lives are the very ones
that drive women crazy and turn them off. And the characteristics they
really want to see the men develop are the ones they have been taught to
see as “weak” and “feminine”.
When you think about this, it
becomes easier for women to understand why men seem to resist anything
that will make them feel they are not in control.
I can assure you
that most times men actually want to open up, to learn to feel deeply
and express those feelings to the women they love. But to them the
process is a bit difficult because of the way most of them grew up.
1. The men in your life need all of the compassion, patience and support you can find in your heart, to help them open theirs.
2.
Part of improving your relationship with a man, whether it’s your
husband, boss, father or brother, etc, it is not just understanding his
behaviour but also taking an honest look at your own behaviour as well.
3. Believe it or not, you may be bringing out the worst in the man you love by the way you behave around them.
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4. He needs a wife and a lover, not a mother, so stop treating him like a kid who does not have brains.
5. Don’t scold or correct him in public
6.
Even when he is wrong, talk to him nicely but at the same time make him
believe it was his bright idea that solved the equation, a confident
man will not be afraid to admit that his woman is intelligent.
7. Stop being over-helpful by doing things that men would naturally rather do by themselves.
8. Stop thinking you will become indispensable when you make the man depend on you.
9.
My mother will kill me for this, but I think pet names or abbreviations
are better from my point of view than calling your husband “daddy”.
10.
Mind your language, especially when you are upset. You may think men
forget hurtful words easily. That is a huge lie, they remember
everything you say that is capable of damaging their ego and
self-esteem.
11. Do not use phrases like “I thought you were this
but now I know better”, rather try saying “sometimes I am hurt when you
say this or do this, it worries me”.
12. You cannot change a man who is set in his ways but your attitude and the atmosphere you create around him can do the magic.
13.
When he is going through a difficult time with work and his abilities
to accomplish, he will definitely not be in the right frame of mind to
focus his attention on relationship issues.
14. Even when you are
having issues and arguements with your husband, there are three things
you should never deprive him of (food, shelter and sex).
15. Your
husband feels extremely rejected when you reject his sexual advances,
especially when there is no physical or spiritual justification.
16. Men like their wives to also initiate sex, it makes them feel wanted.
I
sat down with some of my male friends as usual to get their
perspectives on different issues. Then I asked them what their major
turn offs in women were, and so I thought to share this with the women.
1. Unshaved armpits
2. Bad breath
3. Mustache
4. Constant bad hair days
5. Body odour
6. Flags
7. Chipped and peeling nail polish
8. Excessive clinging
9. Wearing tent dresses around the house
10. Nags
11. Loud mouths
12. Too much make up
Having
said all these, there are basic things we can do to understand and
communicate with our Men better, so we can have better relationships.
Men
communicate best when they have focus for the conversation. Due to the
fact that they are goal oriented, they tend to feel most comfortable
operating within boundaries that they know about in advance. Your man
would like to know what the purpose of the discussion is and what you
want from him. This gives him the sense that he knows what he is doing
when he is talking to you.
Give him an agenda. Tell him exactly
what you would like to talk about, what you hope to accomplish and what
you expect from him. For example, instead of saying “honey I think we
should talk about our relationship” which will make him think there is
something you want him to figure out, try “honey, we have been together
for this long and I think it’s great, but I really would like you to
tell me what you think our strengths and weaknesses are, and in what
direction and pace you hope it will go”. This way you will make it seem
like he is the one that will determine the direction but you know that
you have taken his attention to the area of the conversation you want
him to get to without fighting. Sometimes they get frustrated with
hints, be direct.
Another mistake women make, including myself, is
thinking aloud and expecting the man to react instantly to every
thought and when they don’t, we start to feel neglected and accuse them
of not being sensitive enough. We forget sometimes that men are
solution-oriented; they internalize their thinking process and
communicate the end result. Sometimes when your partner is silent, he is
not ignoring you. His mind is probably processing the information you
gave him and he has to try to get in touch with his feelings. Also
remember that men don’t really multi-task as much as women do because
they are just not built that way.
Let him figure out how to say “I
am sorry and I love you” by himself, especially if you say yours
without expecting to hear it back all the time.
Don’t start
interrogating him as soon as he opens his mouth, give him time to find
his way and help him relax. Even if you don’t agree with him, just let
him know you understand his point but you beg to differ so that he too
can give you time to lay your cards
I am not saying you should
walk on egg shells around him, I am just saying try not to hurt his ego,
just be sensitive towards his feelings when communicating. After all no
one forced you to choose and marry him, so carry your cross the best
way possible
Prayer is also the biggest secret to a successful marriage.
Remember that these are just my thoughts and not rules you must live by.
Quote: Find a man who wants to take full responsibility for fixing himself so that you don’t have to do it yourself.
Original Title BATTLE OF SEXES (2)
Credit: STELLA DAMASUS
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